Atypical October

This October is odd for me.

You see, the last several years I’ve taken part in a writing challenge with thousands upon thousands of fellow writers. The goal is always to inform others on a topic we’re passionate about, while also I spring ourselves into consistent and meaningful writing.

I’ll be honest. This year has been brutal. To the point that I just didn’t have it in me to even attempt writing 31 days straight. Just the thought exhausts this already over – exhausted gal.

It’s not something I’ve talked about too much on here, mainly because the exhaustion would steal my attempts. When it didnt, the words wouldn’t come. Even this post has been written over the course of several days.

Several years back, my doctor suspected I had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). You can read up on it here. The most I knew I about it was that it explained my cycle irregularity, weight issues and could interfere with getting, and staying, pregnant.

A few weeks later I was back in her office, pregnant. Hesitant to be excited. After all, I was coming off a recent miscarriage and a few of my friends who had pcos had miscarried several times.

With that first appointment, any further testing/thought of pcos went out the window. As you know, that pregnancy lead to us now having this amazing 2 year old little boy. An unexpected surprise that still unfolds little by little each day.

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Fast forward to the start of this year. Our guy had just turned two. A few times a month, about 2-4 times a day for a couple days at a time, I found myself wincing in pain. Each month the pain would get a little more severe and last a little longer.

In June, I was officially diagnosed with PCOS. Since then, we have been doing some trial and error to see if we can get the symptoms under control. Nothing has helped so far.

The next step is proving harder than expected. Changing my eating habits and exercising more. I’ve done it before, I know I can do it again. I just need to act on the knowledge I already have.

Here’s a few things I have learned over the last 9 months or so:

-PCOS isn’t just about fertility. It’s an endocrine disorder.
-The root cause is a hormone imbalance.
-I have PCOS, it is not who I am.
-Talking to others who have been there helps more than anything.
-Simply talking through it with trusted friends helps bring peace.
-this hormonal imbalance has a role in every single part of my life, whether I want it to or not.

This post isn’t a woe-is-me or sympathy plea. It is simply an explanation of what’s going on with me. It’s a big insight into why I haven’t been writing as I normally would.

So if you happen to see me and I’m not my usual self, I ask for grace and understanding. I have this hope though:

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Constant

Family, for many is the group of people in which you were raised. For others, it’s the group of people who have been chosen as your support group. For few, it includes both of those groups.

I’m one of the lucky ones in the last group. I have had amazing support systems growing up. As a young girl, it was a church family which sustained me when home life was less than predictable. Now, a church family who challenges, encourages, loves and supports us.

While there have been several that have come and gone who I would have considered family at one point, there is one that has remained consistent. Through thick and thin, she’s been there. Lucky for me, she falls into both biological family and chosen family.

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This lady has been a source of strength for me. Because of her, I have faced some fears I never thought I’d conquer. Always my biggest cheerleader. Even when we have differing opinions, nothing has been able to break the bond.

The last several years have brought huge changes for both of us. Between marriages, a kiddo (who also adores his auntie B) and the all around busyness of life, we’ve always made the time and always will.

There are so many memories, it would take days to write then all down. From playing together as kids, to our weddings. Each one more special than the last.

For all you’ve done. For all you’re doing. For all you will do. With all that I am, thank you. I love you, Beka! Forever and always. No matter what.

Harder than Anticipated

There’s so much I want to share. So few words have come in my heart to be able to do so. It’s been a constant struggle as of late.

2015 started off with a challenge. A challenge to really discover who I am. Not just as the facts about me, but to really discover who I was created to be.

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A challenge that I never expected to be so difficult. Even though I should have.

This year of self really encompasses just about all of the last several years into one. Recently I’ve discovered this journey is forcing me to better understand all the words I have been challenged with in the last few years. it’s almost like perpetual deja vu.

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This feeling, the feeling of deja vu, it’s hitting in just about every way.

  • Physically-Reacquainting myself with a diagnosis that was a dream changer to begin with. While last time it was a gateway to the dream happening, this time it’s a whole different story.
  • Emotionally-Allowing myself to experience the emotions that come with the changes but not letting them take residence and bring me down is quite a challenge this time around.
  • Spiritually-Learning to trust again, to lean into His plan, His will, His grace. A journey I’d thought I’d accomplished…evidently not.
  • Mentally-Letting my mind wrap around it all again. Remembering to embrace this as a chance to rediscover the God I claim to follow.

 

Close your eyes

Close your eyes and let it all flow. The hurt. The pain. The sadness. The aching. Let it flow in so it can flow out.

Once its all out, take a deep breath.

Close your eyes again. Let it flow in. The mercy. The healing. The soothing. The peace. Let it overwhelm the others.
Take it in. Hold it close. It’s all that’ll keep you afloat.

Take a deep breath, trusting that there are better days ahead. A brighter plan. A reason behind this ugliness.

Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Rest in the arms of your Creator.

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The Reluctant Journey

I’ve been involved in this wonderful community for over a year now. JustĀ  when I contemplated if this was really where God wanted me to continue studying the next study was revealed.

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As soon as I saw it, my spirit connected to it. I knew I had to join my P31 OBS sisters through this one. Even though it doesn’t start until the end of June.

I’ve had the book for a week now. Hesitant to start reading. The snippets I’ve seen so far are powerful. This book radiates the wreckage that awaits.

A beautiful wreckage. The type that heals. The type that challenges. The type that grows. The type that encourages.

Wreckage that’s sure to sweeten even the most painful of places within.

The journey to being wrecked for Him is what brings the hesitancy. I want to feel again. I want to experience a deeper understanding for Him. A passion I’ve not had before.

So, I will choose to start this journey. With an open mind and heart. I will obediently follow His call upon my heart to allow this book to wreck me.

For His greatest work is done in my wrecked state.

When music speaks

Laying here. Struggling. In many ways.

Prompted I get up. Find my head phones. Turn on music.

Quickly the tears come. The prayers start. The promises in the words sink in.

The titles of the songs speak. The lyrics both challenge and heal.

It’s been a rough few months. Currently in the in between. Waiting for answers.

Coming alongside and celebrating with others when life is racing forward. All while feeling as though yours is standing still.

The pain that comes and go. Reminds of the road I’m on. A scary, isolating road.

Just when it feels all is settling, peace begins to envelope, that’s when something hits. Something that rocks the core. It comes in the most unseen way. At the most unexpected time.

Now it’s clinging to those promises that are being ushered into the soul. The ones learned at a young age. Because they hold true even now.

For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord , ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Jer 29:11

“I know that You can do all things, And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted. Job 42:2

To fully believe His dreams for me are better than my own. My head knows it. My heart needs to follow.

For now I’ll take it step by step. Day by day. Trusting that His plan will blow me away. All while relishing in the abundant blessings He’s already gifted to me.

This song is what He’s calling me to.

Everything Glorious

I’ve heard this song before. Countless times, actually. We’ve done it in worship. My guess is that you have as well.

The issue is this, when I find myself singing it, I’m not sure if I truly believe the words coming out of my mouth. How often do I fall into the trap? Thinking of myself as less than glorious. Forgetting that when I was created, I was created beautiful. Created for a purpose. That this life is not a pointless ride from day to day. Rather, each day given is a chance to show the world that the God who created each one of us, created us glorious. Just as He is.

Today, today was different. You see, through worship I had our little man with me. Not wanting to go play with his friends in the nursery, he chose to sit in service with mommy. During this song, I had him on my hip, we were dancing, swaying back and forth, together.

As we sang, “He makes everything glorious/and I am Yours/what does that make me?” I found myself lightly squeezing my toddler’s leg. Emphasizing that he was indeed made glorious. Even through the hardest days, I’m constantly amazed at how amazing he was made.

That’s when I felt the message. One of the rare times, I can honestly say, it was an audible voice. I heard my creator say, “You are, too. When all you can see are your faults, your inadequacies, and your fears, all I can see is your beauty, your purpose and your accomplishments. When will you start to see yourself like this?”

It brings tears to my eyes. Just thinking about it. How can I effectively show others Christ’s love, grace and acceptance if I haven’t embraced them myself? The honest truth is, I can’t.

So today, I’m reclaiming these truths. That I am glorious, because I belong to the Creator and I know that everything He makes is glorious.

I’m tired of living outside of this truth, it’s time to take on this new identity and let it transform me day in and day out.