Welcoming in 2015

I shared a couple days ago about my one word for 2015. While mulling over exactly how rediscovering myself should look a couple things came to mind. The first was a song. A song I know I’ve shared here before. The lyrics of this song were once again brought to my attention on the 28th:

"The Real Me" by Natalie Grant. Listen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bRGfId9quY

“The Real Me” by Natalie Grant. Listen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bRGfId9quY

Even though this song was written to help the artist with a very real struggle with bulimia, I believe that so many of us can relate to the struggle of just wanting to find ourselves outside of our circumstance. That’s the beauty of music, the words can impact so many people in different ways.

Along with this song, there was something else that came into my mind. Scripture. One I’d become very much  familiar with several years back. In fact, it’s been the focus of several books I’ve read over the last several years. However, this time, it’s come to life so much more.

Prov31.25

These two tools, combined with the focus of rediscovering what self means to me, are sure to help. A few other steps I’m planning to take on this journey:

  • Set a consistent time to wake up each morning
    • enough time for breakfast and quiet time
  • Discover a way to become more active and stick to it
  • Write consistently. Either here or in a journal I received for Christmas
  • Read books. All the way to the end.
  • Take time monthly (more frequently if needed) and do something to refresh myself
  • Crochet again
  • Make girl time a must

Do you have any goals for this year? Any hopes and dreams that are beginning to take shape?

Off Kilter

around here lately, there has been SO much going on. too much some days.

Between a schedule change at work (finally), keeping up with a wee one, finding time to be a couple, being involved in a church plant (launch is SOOO close), finding ways to keep connected to friends, horribly failing to keep the apartment clean, and on and on, lets just say making time for the things I loved doing before all this (and still love and miss terribly) has been near impossible.

So here this place sits. Without a post. For days, weeks, sometimes months on end. Sadly. Lonely. Unfortunately. I so love sharing this space with all of you.

With this time of transition things have just been off. Like I’m kinda floating in space watching everything go on around me, and it’s all going so quickly. Some days I feel like I’m in a fog, that it’s all a dream.

I love being a mommy. Although, I don’t feel like it has come as naturally as I was hoping, it is a job I know I am privileged to be able to claim. The challenges that come with it have been more than I could imagine. Then again, so has all the laughter and the smiles.

Being a good friend has been set on the back burner, I feel. I am not quite as readily available for my friends as I once was. It’s not something I like, but it is something that I have learned to adapt to. Once I do have the time, I often lack the brain power to sustain meaningful, deepreal conversations.

A wife. That is another facet of who I am. Another area that, while it comes naturally and we finally have the same schedule, I tend to not have made this a priority. Again, wife, a title I wear proudly, confidently, humbly. However, it is a title I feel like I am lacking to live up to in none-the-less.

What do all these have in common? The way I love. 

Last weekend literally everything I heard, everywhere I went, every conversation was focused on LOVE. Not just any love but God’s love. Not just anything having to do with His love. But a question:

What is the message I am displaying when it comes to His love?
Are there people in my life that aren’t hearing the gospel of Jesus because of me?

Yeah…ouch. Then a challenge came about…what do I need to put on the back burner in order to show his love to those I encounter every day?

But for me, it wasn’t about putting something on the back burner. As we were sitting there I felt the conviction. I knew that I needed to share. The longer we talked, the more the Spirit pressed. It was then I realized that for me, it was all about taking something off the back burner and placing it back where it needed to be.

My job, as much as I love it, takes all I have. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and yes, even spiritually. It was becoming abundantly clear that giving my all at work has been shorting the people I love more than I am comfortable with. By the time I would get home I was exhausted, my brain was much, my patience was shot, my attention span was gone, I was done for the day.

All of this was lead me to being short, defensive, easily agitated, and snappy with the guys in my house. I was seeing snippets of the weeks prior of reactions, conversations and such that I’d displayed, and I found myself disgusted with myself. For me, the challenged boiled down to loving my family better.

Learning how to give my all at work, but still leave the best of me for my guys at home. I need not short them because of the demands of my job. The task seemed (and still seems) impossible but I know that there is One who will give me the strength to succeed. All I need to do is rely upon Him.

So I ask you friend, to look over these questions…these challenges…examine your heart and be honest with yourself about the answers.

beautiful

What is the message I am displaying when it comes to His love?
Are there people in my life that aren’t hearing the gospel of Jesus because of me?
What do I need to put on the back burner in order to show his love to those I encounter every day?

Contentment {CMA}

Our weekly Count Me Accountable link up is all about living a healthier life. Lately, I’ve set out with some great goals, written with determination, at least one each week. All with the hope of getting back on track. To living a healthier life. To improving myself for the benefit of myself. For the benefit of my husband. For the benefit of my son. For the benefit of every person I love.

Then it dawned on me this week. Rather He revealed to me. Before I can build upon my life to improve it, I need to be happy with my life. I need to rediscover myself. I need to learn to be content with who I am. To find peace within the situation I am in. To find the joy of being where I am at. To living in the moment. Without worries of what I should be doing. Where I should be heading. How I want to look. The size I want to be. And so on.

So my goal is to allow life to slow down  a little. To enjoy each and every phase my son is in without wondering when the sleep will come. Without desiring him to be able to do this or that. I want to enjoy this time with my family. To make and cherish the time with Kevin. To make time with him a priority over anything else that longs to take it.

Friends, it’s time. It’s time for me to live and love this life. Rather than trying to make it better. After all, I need to be happy with where I am. Before, when I was improving myself it was because I was happy. Because I was content. Because I was secure in who I was, where I was, despite all the chaos that was going on around me.

Now, with the challenges of being a first time mom, with all the change that comes with a new job for Kevin, plus the factor of not liking the fact that we work different shifts, I’m in the place I want to be. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually.

I love my family and I want to be all there when I’m with them. So that’s the place I’m going to start. After all, who wouldn’t want to spend as much time with these guys as possible.

Photo

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Andrew's BIrth 080

Whispers

I’ve come to a road block…at work. It’s hard being (1) the only dedicated Christ follower, (2) raised with a different perspective on things, and (3) continue to stand for what I believe is right.

I’ve been at my place of employment for just over 6 months. Starting (officially) this week I am now a full-time associate working 1p to 9p Monday through Friday instead of only working 8a to 8p on Saturday and Sunday. I started filling in the open spot last week (for the most part) and it went all right. This week, however, not the same story.

I’ve been finding it extremely difficult to succeed in the three things I listed above. While I am succeeding, I am not enjoying the work as much as I did before. I highly doubt that it’s because I see the clientele more, but because of a particular associate I see more often. Up until this point she ran the shift. The other associates would just bend to seeing things the way that she did, and would just go along with it. I, however, will not do that, and it bugs the crap out of her.

While the fact that I am not allowing myself to be sucked into this IS a step in the right direction, I am having a hard time rejoicing over it because it is so tense at work. Even if I would bring up to her my thoughts on how I thought things were going, it would quickly turn into an argument, and the guys we work with don’t need that, and shouldn’t have to deal with it.

So, all I can do at this point is to pray. Pray for my heart, pray for hers, pray that God just keeps my mouth shut so that He can do the work that needs done, and prayer for the guys, that they won’t feel the tension that I feel. Pray that either the situation between her and a boss mends, or that the person above my boss will realize the problems and agree to let her go. Whichever happens, it’s going to be a waiting game.

I say this not to get pity or to get “atta-girl”, but to get it out. If I kept this in then it would be harder for me to effectively do my job.

This morning God did grant me a revelation though, as I was talking to a fellow sister-in-Christ, I felt these words come to my heart:

“Remember, My daughter, you are going back to church this Sunday. You have an enemy who wants to bring you down as much as possible so that you will be distracted when worship gets there. Take this in stride, all things come to an end in My time, not your timing, my dear one.”

Don’t you just love the gentle whispers when He could have very well used a 2X4 instead? I know I prefer the whispers…I hope I can remember this in the midst of my shift tonight. 
Appropriately enough, this is said to me in the confines of my bed room. On the wall of my bedroom I have a shadowbox that my mother-in-law gave me that says: “Let us be silent so that we may hear the whisper of God.” 
Well, I’m off to get ready for work. I hope God blesses your day abundantly and that following Him, instead of others, will be the first choice for each and every one of us.