Where?!?

Where has time gone. It feels like just yesterday I was in the hospital with my husband and my sister. All of us anxiously awaiting an arrival. The arrival we’d all been preparing for.

And oh what an arrival it was.

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It’s already been 6 months. The little one who couldn’t even recognize us by sight is now able to do so. Not only that but he’s STOKED when he sees us. We may or may not be having slight problems with separation anxiety. ūüėČ

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This child who could only move by us picking him up and carrying him is rolling and scooting himself everywhere.

The little man who was completely dependent on us…for everything, is already gaining whatever independence he can.

Six months ago, our lives were interrupted, in the best possible way.

Six months ago, love exploded into our life in only a way a child can bring it.

Six months ago, our family was even more complete.

Six months ago, we realized just how deep love and amazement can go.

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Call me crazy…

So if you’ve been following my posts both here and over at Must Love God* recently I’ve posted a few times¬†on my one word for the year. Today I had the crazy thought to look across the wonderful tool called the internet to see what others were saying about life after baby. Hence the¬†call me crazy.

As I’m reading this article my eye lands dead on number 15:

Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power.

I couldn’t help but think that maybe that’s what this crazy journey to finding the meaning of limitless for my life could be all about. Learning what limitless love looks like in order to understand and display what His love looks like in my life?

It’s sure to be an exciting ride.

*if you haven’t popped in over here yet…I’d encourage you to. It’s a great place of love, encouragement, and support in any season of life you might be in. It’s made up of people a lot like you. Broken, searching, confused, ¬†fallen, all while trying to discover what God’s purpose is for their life.

86. Salt water taffy
87. Project 345
88. First movements
89. Air conditioning
90. Journaling
91. Dinner with friend
92. Baby steps
93. Peace with decisions
94. Finishing Power of a Praying Woman
95. Starting Power of a Praying Wife
96. New pillows
97. New water bottle
98. Prenatal Vitamins
99. Music that finds the words I couldn’t
100. 31 Days to Pray for Kevin
101. Lies Women Believe
102. Cuddling on our oversized chair
103. Openness with friends I’ve known a short time
104. New shared hobbies with Kevin
105. Hand me downs from friends

*Linking up with hundreds of other bloggers over at Ann’s place. Join us.

A Limitlessly Detailed Oriented God

Some people might say that God doesn’t care about the details…I say the opposite is true. God cares very much about the details, especially the minor details.

Look at these details He’s been in the midst of:

Today, May 23, was going to be a pivotol day. If you’ve been around here for a while you probably remember the dream altering news we received. If you remember, today was the day we had the ultrasound set up to look at the ovaries to see exactly how severe my condition was. Not only that, but to see what the likelihood of our being able to naturally have the family we’ve always dreamed of having.

Until…this happened. Now today held our second pregnancy appointment. I was able to hear the heart beat. It was faint, but still strong.

Not only was I amazed when these two dates coincided (I may or may not have laughed hysterically when I saw the dat of this next appointment). But He timed it just right that my next post in Must Love God would sure enough fall on…you guessed it…today. I’d love to have you join me over here.

How had God been working in the seemingly small details in your life?

Limitless Amazement

Okay…I promised you a part two last time I wrote on my word for the year. So lets see where He takes us this time. Shall we?

This wild ride all started in January. I haven’t talked a whole lot about it, only mentioned it once here actually, but that’s mainly because my heart needed time. It needed time to heal. Time to think through. Time to analyze everything. Yes, in January it started in the worst possible way. On the 10th. A miscarriage.

This took me through an excruciating few weeks of questioning. Questioning my body’s ability to sustain another life. Questioning if my dreams of kids was do-able. Questioning the all too natural “why me.” As well as dealing with the typical physical/emotional/psychological side effects of losing a child…at any point.

It was the final key to¬†knowing¬†that I needed to get everything checked out. After all…I had¬†always¬†expected something wasn’t quite right.

That’s when February came in. As I explained in the link above my insurance had just started up, and I made those appointments. Feel free to read about the appointments here and join me back for the next leg of the story.

The day I got the news of the PCOS was a Wednesday. The following Sunday I broke. Hard. I had gone to first service, and spent that time in prayer. Prepping (like I often do) for second service. Second service is the time where I dwell with Him and open my heart up completely to be broken however He needs me to be broken. To take part of me that He wants to rid me of and fill it with Him and His desires.

This first Sunday of March, His focus was my marriage. He prompted me to surrender my desires for the relationship and sit back to watch how His unfold. It has been a beautiful journey that has just started. In just the short 2 months since surrendering it (and yes, it’s still a daily surrender some times) there has been SO much blessing that I am convinced wouldn’t have happened had I still been trying to make things happen. ūüôā

Now, on to the part I promised last time. I have been psyched. He gave me a vision. A vision for this new diagnosis. Granted, I¬†knew¬†better than to actually start and pursue anything until the ultrasound in May.¬†The following Sunday started same as the¬†preceding¬†one did. First service was prepping/cleansing time. Clearing my heart and mind for His working and will for me. It was this Sunday (a mere 2.5 weeks after the diagnosis) that He lead me to an utter surrender of my desires. If you know anything about me, I’ve wanted¬†my own¬†kids for as long as I can remember.

I had come to be content with a different calling on my life. The one that seemed more likely. Not only was I content with being the second mom to my friends kids, I was content with the possibility of not having kids of my own. I was more than content with it, I was excited. That was¬†all¬†God’s doing, no other way around it. He had given me a vision, my heart took it, found peace with it, and together my heart and mind walked in the grace of His plans.

Fast forward to almost a month ago. It was the start of April. I knew that if my cycle hadn’t started, I needed to call my OB and we’d figure out what to do to change that fact. I called and made the appointment. Then a weird thing happened. I started feeling sick. Cramped for days on end with nothing. My passions didn’t interest me much and was extremely tired (although figured it was depression…since I struggle with bouts of that ugly beast from time to time).

To ease my mind, I decided to test. Although I figured it’d turn out like the other ones had…negative. I figured I had nothing to worry about. So I wait for the few minutes required to get the results. I looked at the window and this is what I saw:

For those of you familiar. That would be a positive test. As soon as I saw it, terror rumbled through my entire being. All the what if’s started coming through my head. What if we lose this one too? Could I handle that? What if my hubs isn’t excited…after all we weren’t planning this to happen until this time¬†next¬†year.

This is when I felt the Spirit say “silly child, since when has it been about¬†your¬†plans?”¬†Slight ease of fear came with that sentence.

When did His peace overwhelm me? I’d have to say it was after I told my husband. He was genuinely excited. In fact, he’s been more excited than I have been. Although with each passing day, the fear of miscarriage lessens. With each day of nausea I feel more confident in His plans for this little one. With each day of back pain I feel joy.

I would still look back at the way this year started and wonder, why? Well, He did answer that question for me. He whispered it into my heart one day. This is the answer I’d been given:

“Sometimes it takes excruciating pain in the hard times to bring about the deepest joy in the good times.”

That’s what this life is all about though right? Allowing ourselves to really feel the hard times in order to do the same in the times of joy?

Friends, this journey has just started. We’re only 10 weeks in and I can truly say I’ve never felt so blessed. I want to thank each of you for sticking by me through this rough several months. For those that have prayed, I cannot express enough gratitude. For those who loved on me other ways (through conversation–the gift of time, through encouragement, through laughter, through tears, through silliness) the only words that come to mind are thank you, but they don’t feel like enough.

Since this year has started off to be so exciting, and it’s destined to be just as exciting at the end of it. I’m sure the months between now and then are going to be just as exciting.

What are you looking forward to most this year?

Limitless Search

Thank you so much for being patient these past few weeks! It’s been a whirlwind time.

How long, O LORD? Will You¬†forget me forever?¬†How long¬†will You hide Your face from me?¬†How long shall I¬†take counsel in my soul,¬†Having¬†sorrow in my heart all the day?¬†How long will my enemy be exalted over me?¬†Consider¬†and¬†answer me, O LORD my God;¬†Enlighten my eyes, or I will¬†sleep the¬†sleep of¬†death,¬†And my enemy will¬†say, ‚ÄúI have overcome him,‚Ä̬†And¬†my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken.¬†But I have¬†trusted in Your lovingkindness;¬†My heart shall¬†rejoice in Your salvation.¬†I will¬†sing to the LORD,¬†Because He has¬†dealt bountifully with me. Psalm 13:1-6

Oh, how this verse fits with all that’s been going on. Can I tell you the story? The whole story? With God’s line through this and all? Pretty please hang with me through this? It’s amazing to watch Him work his magic through this.

For the past two months I’ve felt the first few verses deep within my heart. Although, hadn’t really “seen” these verses until a friend gave them to me Saturday night. I know¬†I’ve read them before, but I didn’t actually “see” them before.

You see, in February my benefits started up through work, before that, January contained a miscarriage and I hadn’t been able to get checked to make sure everything was in the clear there. So I set up two appointments. One for the (as my sister calls it) awkward doctor, and the other for a regular physician. Little did I know the roller coaster that I had jumped on. The OB ran blood tests, for a few different reasons she wanted to check some things out. She asked me to come back in 2 weeks for the results. Okay, cool.

Little did I know that those two weeks were going to be major attack by Satan. I have been cursed blessed with an analytical mind. I think, re-think, and over-think everything, especially something big like this. So I began to prepare myself for the worst, like I typically do.

It’s about this time that He introduces me to a true kindred spirit. We were fast friends, which never happens, for either of us. When we first started chatting, we would have never expected what it has come to. We are miles apart physically, but couldn’t be closer together spiritually. I have already come to love her so.

Besides that friendship taking root, the two weeks between appointments was grueling. I was told by my regular physician that besides the extra weight, I was in perfect health…pending the results to the blood tests. Woo. So not only was I just waiting for the blood tests, those stinking tests had my “perfect” health (physically anyway) hanging with them too.

So that day comes. The hubs (he didn’t understand why I wanted him there, but gracefully came with me just because I asked) and I go to get the results. The doctor comes in the room, she said everything looked good (it would have been great had she stopped there) but with the irregularity, it looks like we’re looking into poly cystic ovarian syndrom (PCOS). She set up an ultra sound for the end of May to determine for sure.

But I don’t need the ultra sound to tell me it’s true. As soon as it was stated, my spirit testified to it’s validity. So while some think I’m jumping the gun, I can firmly believe that I’m really not. The ultrasound in May? I’m looking at it as the tool to tell me the level/severity of it.

The doctor walked out of the room and tears rolled down my face. Kevin looked at me as I wiped one eye. I said the first thing that came to mind, “that is exactly what I expected to hear.” It was honest. For a while now, i’d had my suspicions. To have them confirmed…was hard, needed, but hard.

The week proceeding was painful, but oh so beautiful at the same time.

The story of how He took me from the diagnosis 2 weeks ago, to the point of excitement that I am at today, coming later. For now, I need to think about getting some sleep. ūüôā

The looks of limitless

A few weeks ago, a word was impressed upon my heart. It was to be my word for 2012. That word was and still is limitless.

Over the past couple days I’ve found myself wondering “where have I seen something limitless or has the word molded my day to day actions. I came up empty.

That was…until today. I was sitting in intermediate mandt (self-defense 101) for work. We were on break and I was thinking on my word. When suddenly it dawned on me…this word is going to look different from day-to-day, week-to-week, ect.

Jan 1-7:¬†God showed me what limitless joy looks like. The first week of the year was amazing. Must Love God got off to a great start. I have met some wonderful women through this blessing. I got started on an amazing journey through Paul’s life with some precious friends. I have a new mentor relationship that started up this week as well, I’m really excited about all God’s going to do in and through it. I have also set out on a journey to pray for Kevin for 31 days, each day has a different area to pray over.

Jan 8-14:¬†This week God has shown me what his limitless strength looks like. I was looking SO forward to this week. Sunday was spent spending time with my sister down in Indy celebrating my birthday. Monday was the day my first post ran on Must Love God. This week classes started. This week was my first “official” meeting with my mentor and I also got together with the amazing woman who mentored me before. However, this week has ended on a something that’s hard to bear. More to come on that later.

So far, for me, limitless has taken on very different looks. The first joy–oh the joy I felt last week. This week, the look is His strength because without it I wouldn’t be able to bear life sometimes.

For those of you who already have a word this year, how’s it going for you? I’d love to know.

For those of you who don’t, it’s not to late to start!

Blessings friends.

Here’s to a weekend of relaxation.