Same Power

When one woman finds a group of like-minded ladies, it’d amazing what can happen. To have a group that I can go to with my deepest struggles, new and old is invaluable. Just knowing what I share will be prayed over helps the insurmountable become more of a possibility.

On the way home from seeing this wonderful group of ladies a song came on. One of heard a lot. One I often changed when it came on. For many different reasons. Tonight, however, it stayed on. I sat, driving in my car, really listening. These are the words I heard:

The same power that rose Jesus from the grave 
The same power that commands the dead to wake 
Lives in us, lives in us 
The same power that moves mountains when He speaks 
The same power that can calm a raging sea 
Lives in us, lives in us 
He lives in us, lives in us

As I drive I begin to focus on each line of this chorus as it’s sung. Then, I hear another voice. A gentler voice. With a simple question.

“When will you finally claim My power as your own?”

That one stung. A lot. But it’s true. I say I believe that He has the power to overcome anything put in my path, but how often have I actually claimed this power as rightfully mine. Because the craziest part of this walk is this fact:  by His grace, His power lives on IN and through me.

So here I am, sitting at the bottom of a mountain that the conquering had already begun a couple years back. Finding myself back in the same old fight to get healthy. To feel better. To make better choices about what gets put in my body. This time, it won’t be in my power. It will be in God’s power working in me.

Created For More

Last week, Kelsey and I felt it was time to change things up. We went to look at One Year Bibles and ended up finding a devotional that we thought would challenge us enough to get us to dive deeper into our walks. This devotional is called Created For More by Jonathan Malm.

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While it’s written to be a 30 day challenge, after reading day 1, we realized we’d need more time to delve into the topic. I will write insights and answers to the challenges in my journal. The first title is be humble. The challenge: do your thing (writing for me) purposely horrible. Then, share it. So I just started writing, no editing.

If I’m going to do this, all in, without holding back, here it goes. 2015 was going to be my year. Everything was finally going to fall into it’s proper place. At least that’s how I went into the year. My mindset defeated me before I could even take a step in any direction.

Physically it was time to get it under control. I was tired of the same old song and dance. It was going to be my year to eat better, exercise more, to get it together. Lose the extra weight, become all around healthier. That didn’t happen, not in the least. The best of intentions I had were quickly squelched when pain began to settle in. Not just pain but exhaustion too. It seemed every time I turned around, another symptom piled on.

Late in the year a break through happened. However the vit. D only helped one of the major issues. The pain returned quicker than I ever dreamed. Leaving my goal to get it together laying by the side of the road, dead.

Physically wasn’t the only area I was going to get it right. Spiritually, I was going to pick the time to have Bible study and stick to it. I was going to become consistent, find new ways to grow and set on fire. Consistency, didn’t happen, super-on-fire-me, didn’t happen. Depth came, but not how I expected. Depth came in to the tune of trust. A trust that there is a purpose for the pain, physical and emotional, that I was walking through. Trust that all this is going to be used…eventually. Spiritually I had to cling to Him and the Family He gave me when my “nuclear” family fell apart. When several parts of my life seemed to be floundering, He wouldn’t let me fall.

Emotionally this year took a toll. From conflicts between people I love tearing apart the family we’d all fought so hard to rebuild over the last several years, to hormones playing with my emotions, whenever and however they pleased. I felt like a terrible mess. If I wasn’t distracting myself (in many ways) I was on the verge of tears. If I wasn’t near crying, I was numb. I got really good at faking feeling okay. I could convince everyone and anyone, including myself. Until I couldn’t. Then the flood gates erupted and it was near impossible to seal them up again.

Mentally was probably the best for me this year. Even though the physical and emotional were tied so tightly to this, I was able to stand up for myself. Have my own voice, my own opinion, and share it. Sure, after I did so, I may have doubted and second guessed myself (a million times on some) but I never backed down. I didn’t choose to go along with others thoughts, opinions along my actions just because it would have been easier. I would validate their stance, but stood firm in my own as well.

Last year wasn’t along all bad though. Despite everything, my sister’s and I are closer than ever, I have the sweetest little nephew, who has a great personality and some of the best friends a gal could ask for. While 2015 held a lot of pain and heartache, it held a lot of lessons, a lot of laughs, smiles, and joy. It just seemed the pain, tears and all around suckiness is what stands out more. On the upside 2016 looks to be brighter, happier, and less chaotic, I can hope.

This year isn’t so much about making XYZ goals to get better, but about becoming a better follower of God. Choosing His plan over my own. Learning again who I am because of Who’s I am. While the desire to get healthy, lose the weight and become more put together again are there, they’re not the primary goal.

2016, welcome

I’ve started and restarted this post several times. As much as I want to recap 2015, I’m just not too sure that now is the time. Each time I try to write on it, I get writers block. Which tells me more processing needs done before I can write about it. So I’m going to start with where I am at today.

As I sit here on the second day of the new year I see several things. Some committing to the idea of a new start, a fresh beginning, a blank page. Others are struggling in various ways. Few resolving to do nothing different.

I’m not really looking at this as a new start. No, each day I’m blessed to wake up is technically that. This year I’m looking at it a new way. Normally I set out a word, list of goals ect that I hope the next year will fit into. Any time I thought along those lines I was given a different message.

This is a year of advent. A year to prepare. A time to seek. A season to wait on God and see what he has in store for me. This year I don’t plan to try to make it into something extravagant. I will strive to live it from the mindset of advent. That each circumstance is ultimately leading us to the plan that only He knows.

What this will mean for me:
     -purposeful seeking
    -leaning fully into God rather than my own understanding.
    -putting my focus on the One who guides my steps rather than the dark path ahead of me

What this doesn’t mean:
     -me trying to force something to happen
     -relying on worldly understanding
     -believing that there is purpose in everything that crosses our path

What are your aspirations for this year?