I woke up this morning to a memory. Not a dream. A memory from my early high school years. One that was supressed for quite a while now.
Growing up, I’d heard about these over nights a group of girls would take. There were stories of laughter, sisterhood, and bonding. I was excited to get to the age to be involved in these trips.
Then I was put in a different group. This group wasnt exactly known as the fun group. One where on a good night, there would be one other girl with me.
There was one year when a glimmer of hope came. Both groups were invited on the outing. The little girl in me was so excited.
Then those hopes were dashed when the invitation was rescinded to all but one. We weren’t supposed to know. As things always do, the truth became apparent.
I remember the emotions well: rejection, sadness, hurt, betrayal.
This was another instance that seemed to verify what the world had been echoing to my heart my entire life. You’re not good enough. You’re not, nor will you be a part of the cool group. You are different. You don’t matter to others as much as they matter to you. The list could go on for miles.
Looking back on all that today, I realize that I received something from the group I was in that is invaluable to me today. I received love, stability, grace, understanding, a safe place. In the form of my group leader. All at a time when I couldn’t find it anywhere else.
Not only all that but I was taught how to feed myself. I remember going through Genesis chapter by chapter (I think it took the better part of two years to go through it completely). We’d have great discussion on the events that took place within that portion of scripture.
We’d challenge each other. We’d pray with and for each other. We’d laugh together, we’d cry together, we did life together.
She was my first mentor.
Since then I’ve had a couple mentors and in that time I have faced many of the lies the world threw at me back then. I’ve learned to challenge them with scripture. I’ve continued to find ways to challenge myself spiritually. I’ve purposely sought out at least one other woman to do life with.
Now I know, I am good enough just the way I am. I was made to be different because it’s through (in spite of) my quarks that God will work. I am part of the most elite group, God’s chosen people. I matter to God and that matters more than anyone else’s opinion.
Those are the truths to which I cling.