Morning Memories

I woke up this morning to a memory. Not a dream. A memory from my early high school years. One that was supressed for quite a while now.

Growing up, I’d heard about these over nights a group of girls would take. There were stories of laughter, sisterhood, and bonding. I was excited to get to the age to be involved in these trips.

Then I was put in a different group. This group wasnt exactly known as the fun group. One where on a good night, there would be one other girl with me.

There was one year when a glimmer of hope came. Both groups were invited on the outing. The little girl in me was so excited.

Then those hopes were dashed when the invitation was rescinded to all but one. We weren’t supposed to know. As things always do, the truth became apparent.

I remember the emotions well: rejection, sadness, hurt, betrayal.

This was another instance that seemed to verify what the world had been echoing to my heart my entire life. You’re not good enough. You’re not, nor will you be a part of the cool group. You are different. You don’t matter to others as much as they matter to you. The list could go on for miles.

Looking back on all that today, I realize that I received something from the group I was in that is invaluable to me today. I received love, stability, grace, understanding, a safe place. In the form of my group leader. All at a time when I couldn’t find it anywhere else.

Not only all that but I was taught how to feed myself. I remember going through Genesis chapter by chapter (I think it took the better part of two years to go through it completely). We’d have great discussion on the events that took place within that portion of scripture.

We’d challenge each other. We’d pray with and for each other. We’d laugh together, we’d cry together, we did life together.

She was my first mentor.

Since then I’ve had a couple mentors and in that time I have faced many of the lies the world threw at me back then. I’ve learned to challenge them with scripture. I’ve continued to find ways to challenge myself spiritually. I’ve purposely sought out at least one other woman to do life with.

Now I know, I am good enough just the way I am. I was made to be different because it’s through (in spite of) my quarks that God will work. I am part of the most elite group, God’s chosen people. I matter to God and that matters more than anyone else’s opinion.

Those are the truths to which I cling.

Atypical October

This October is odd for me.

You see, the last several years I’ve taken part in a writing challenge with thousands upon thousands of fellow writers. The goal is always to inform others on a topic we’re passionate about, while also I spring ourselves into consistent and meaningful writing.

I’ll be honest. This year has been brutal. To the point that I just didn’t have it in me to even attempt writing 31 days straight. Just the thought exhausts this already over – exhausted gal.

It’s not something I’ve talked about too much on here, mainly because the exhaustion would steal my attempts. When it didnt, the words wouldn’t come. Even this post has been written over the course of several days.

Several years back, my doctor suspected I had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). You can read up on it here. The most I knew I about it was that it explained my cycle irregularity, weight issues and could interfere with getting, and staying, pregnant.

A few weeks later I was back in her office, pregnant. Hesitant to be excited. After all, I was coming off a recent miscarriage and a few of my friends who had pcos had miscarried several times.

With that first appointment, any further testing/thought of pcos went out the window. As you know, that pregnancy lead to us now having this amazing 2 year old little boy. An unexpected surprise that still unfolds little by little each day.

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Fast forward to the start of this year. Our guy had just turned two. A few times a month, about 2-4 times a day for a couple days at a time, I found myself wincing in pain. Each month the pain would get a little more severe and last a little longer.

In June, I was officially diagnosed with PCOS. Since then, we have been doing some trial and error to see if we can get the symptoms under control. Nothing has helped so far.

The next step is proving harder than expected. Changing my eating habits and exercising more. I’ve done it before, I know I can do it again. I just need to act on the knowledge I already have.

Here’s a few things I have learned over the last 9 months or so:

-PCOS isn’t just about fertility. It’s an endocrine disorder.
-The root cause is a hormone imbalance.
-I have PCOS, it is not who I am.
-Talking to others who have been there helps more than anything.
-Simply talking through it with trusted friends helps bring peace.
-this hormonal imbalance has a role in every single part of my life, whether I want it to or not.

This post isn’t a woe-is-me or sympathy plea. It is simply an explanation of what’s going on with me. It’s a big insight into why I haven’t been writing as I normally would.

So if you happen to see me and I’m not my usual self, I ask for grace and understanding. I have this hope though:

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