When it breaks


That’s the only way to describe it. Duration is unknown. After all, in a state of numbness, it’s next to impossible to keep track of time. Breakthrough happens when the running, the dodging, the ignoring stops. Hiding only lasts so long.

When the breakthrough comes, it’s like a dam opening. All the passion that’s been building erupts like a volcano. It’s effects feel life threatening. That’s when it becomes real.

Trying to pinpoint. It’s been a year, maybe more. Given a gift, one that had been desired but that had been deemed unlikely. That’s when it started.

The dodging, the preoccupation, the busyness, the hum-drum of daily life. When the gifts began pouring, the easiest thing to do was hide. To act as though nothing had happened.

When in reality, life had changed. Drastically.

Perhaps acceptance of the change kept feet dragging. Maybe the responsibilities with the change seemed too daunting. Likely, feeling unworthy pulled the heart away.

The dam finally broke. With it comes tears. Lots of tears. Pain takes several forms. An aching from deep within. One that can no longer be tamed.

Along with that. A weight. Compassion. Empathy. Uncertainty. Terror. All of it overwhelms.

Where to go from here is unknown. What to do with the ripples from here on out cannot be fathomed with human understanding.

Where passion is, purpose can be found. With purpose, fulfillment. With fulfillment, joy. Joy then leads back to passion.

Faced with a choice, continue to let it flow. Embrace the beast.

Or rebuild the dam. Go back to how it was before. Embrace the numb. The mediocrity.

The prayer is for lasting passion. To feel again. To not just be day to day but rather live out the passion. To ride the wave and see where it ends. Not only that but to enjoy the journey, not hide at the first sign of rapids.

It’s bound to be an exciting ride. Pray He holds fast when it’s not humanly possible any longer.

What about them?

These days grate on me. Those holidays that focus on one aspect of life. All of them. These days that put a specific group of people on a pedestal for a whole 24 hour period.

If you’ve followed along here long enough, you’ve probably noticed that I am not one that could care less about days like this. The days that this world wants you to go broke just to show your appreciation for someone. When we participate in holidays because consumerism says we have to.

Maybe it’s my phase of life, when there’s not much cash flow to go around, you realize that it’s not the gifts that matter. Honestly, if we’re intentional about showing appreciation throughout the year, days like this become just another day. No pressure to get the perfect gift, show love in a special way, Ect.

That, however, isn’t the only reason these greeting card holidays get under my skin. If I had to pin point the number one reason these days don’t settle well with me, it’s because of those who end up being left out of the celebration for one reason or another.

This conversation is one I’ve been having with at least two of my dearest friends. Two different situations but still the same aching.

We say the right phrases to try to include those women who long to be mom’s, but we fail to realize… those words are often meaningless to the ladies who struggle with empty arms day in and day out.

So I challenge my fellow moms, to simply stand beside our sisters who desperately want to be a mommy, but aren’t. Instead of trying to say the right thing, to let them know that we see their pain and we’re here for them. Even if the words aren’t there, we hear their cry, we feel their pain, we love them and will carry them when that pain makes that next step impossible.


To my mom friends, happy Mother’s Day.

To the ladies reading this who are in that season of struggle, waiting and praying that desperate prayer, you are not alone. You are remembered. You are loved.