Okay…I promised you a part two last time I wrote on my word for the year. So lets see where He takes us this time. Shall we?
This wild ride all started in January. I haven’t talked a whole lot about it, only mentioned it once here actually, but that’s mainly because my heart needed time. It needed time to heal. Time to think through. Time to analyze everything. Yes, in January it started in the worst possible way. On the 10th. A miscarriage.
This took me through an excruciating few weeks of questioning. Questioning my body’s ability to sustain another life. Questioning if my dreams of kids was do-able. Questioning the all too natural “why me.” As well as dealing with the typical physical/emotional/psychological side effects of losing a child…at any point.
It was the final key to knowing that I needed to get everything checked out. After all…I had always expected something wasn’t quite right.
That’s when February came in. As I explained in the link above my insurance had just started up, and I made those appointments. Feel free to read about the appointments here and join me back for the next leg of the story.
The day I got the news of the PCOS was a Wednesday. The following Sunday I broke. Hard. I had gone to first service, and spent that time in prayer. Prepping (like I often do) for second service. Second service is the time where I dwell with Him and open my heart up completely to be broken however He needs me to be broken. To take part of me that He wants to rid me of and fill it with Him and His desires.
This first Sunday of March, His focus was my marriage. He prompted me to surrender my desires for the relationship and sit back to watch how His unfold. It has been a beautiful journey that has just started. In just the short 2 months since surrendering it (and yes, it’s still a daily surrender some times) there has been SO much blessing that I am convinced wouldn’t have happened had I still been trying to make things happen. 🙂
Now, on to the part I promised last time. I have been psyched. He gave me a vision. A vision for this new diagnosis. Granted, I knew better than to actually start and pursue anything until the ultrasound in May. The following Sunday started same as the preceding one did. First service was prepping/cleansing time. Clearing my heart and mind for His working and will for me. It was this Sunday (a mere 2.5 weeks after the diagnosis) that He lead me to an utter surrender of my desires. If you know anything about me, I’ve wanted my own kids for as long as I can remember.
I had come to be content with a different calling on my life. The one that seemed more likely. Not only was I content with being the second mom to my friends kids, I was content with the possibility of not having kids of my own. I was more than content with it, I was excited. That was all God’s doing, no other way around it. He had given me a vision, my heart took it, found peace with it, and together my heart and mind walked in the grace of His plans.
Fast forward to almost a month ago. It was the start of April. I knew that if my cycle hadn’t started, I needed to call my OB and we’d figure out what to do to change that fact. I called and made the appointment. Then a weird thing happened. I started feeling sick. Cramped for days on end with nothing. My passions didn’t interest me much and was extremely tired (although figured it was depression…since I struggle with bouts of that ugly beast from time to time).
To ease my mind, I decided to test. Although I figured it’d turn out like the other ones had…negative. I figured I had nothing to worry about. So I wait for the few minutes required to get the results. I looked at the window and this is what I saw:
For those of you familiar. That would be a positive test. As soon as I saw it, terror rumbled through my entire being. All the what if’s started coming through my head. What if we lose this one too? Could I handle that? What if my hubs isn’t excited…after all we weren’t planning this to happen until this time next year.
This is when I felt the Spirit say “silly child, since when has it been about your plans?” Slight ease of fear came with that sentence.
When did His peace overwhelm me? I’d have to say it was after I told my husband. He was genuinely excited. In fact, he’s been more excited than I have been. Although with each passing day, the fear of miscarriage lessens. With each day of nausea I feel more confident in His plans for this little one. With each day of back pain I feel joy.
I would still look back at the way this year started and wonder, why? Well, He did answer that question for me. He whispered it into my heart one day. This is the answer I’d been given:
“Sometimes it takes excruciating pain in the hard times to bring about the deepest joy in the good times.”
That’s what this life is all about though right? Allowing ourselves to really feel the hard times in order to do the same in the times of joy?
Friends, this journey has just started. We’re only 10 weeks in and I can truly say I’ve never felt so blessed. I want to thank each of you for sticking by me through this rough several months. For those that have prayed, I cannot express enough gratitude. For those who loved on me other ways (through conversation–the gift of time, through encouragement, through laughter, through tears, through silliness) the only words that come to mind are thank you, but they don’t feel like enough.
Since this year has started off to be so exciting, and it’s destined to be just as exciting at the end of it. I’m sure the months between now and then are going to be just as exciting.
What are you looking forward to most this year?