So, on Saturday night I was talking with my mom. My mentor and I are reading through Captivating and since it’s mom’s favorite book, we were talking about it. If you haven’t read it, you might or might not understand (depending on your own experiences). We were talking about the depictions used of a little girl twirling around wearing a pretty dress/tutu while being delighted in by those around her, primarily her father. I expressed my frustration with these depictions because I haven’t ever dreamed of that nor have I felt like that. My mom said she could relate to them because she had always wanted to be seen like that. Without missing a beat I said, “I just wanted to be seen.”
I have been thinking about this a great deal today. Never have any truer words flown out of my heart. Growing up, I was the fourth of five. The order went girl, girl, boy, girl, girl. So the “middle child syndrome” didn’t fall on the third because of him being the only boy in the family. Naturally, that syndrome fell onto me. Not only did that get moved to me, but I was the quietest of the four girls. Meaning, I often would get overlooked because I was the smallest and the least vocal.
Then I started to think about this in my perspective of God. I find myself struggling with the fact that since I “fell through the cracks”, as I’ve been told, with my parents, my heart has a heard time believing that it won’t happen with God who has billions of children. Although in my mind I know that He loves me AND that He knows me better than I know myself, I can’t get my heart to believe it.
Lately, I’ve been praying a dangerous prayer. I’ve been praying for my head knowledge to become a heart knowledge. Not only that but to allow it to turn into a natural, genuine love flow out of that new understanding. I started praying that about 2.5 weeks ago. I can tell you, I’ve been through the wringer the past few weeks. I have no doubt that He’s allowed certain situations to happen to allow that prayer to begin being answered. It is an answer that will take a while to sink in. I know this because my
stubborn human mind doesn’t like to change those sorts of things very quickly.
I’m sure this is just a few of many revelations that I’ll have on the journey to better understanding what the answer to this prayer will look like for me, my life and my relationships. So stay tuned.
Isn’t it amazing what one conversation can spur on?